Terrors
by BubblesMariska
Summary: Amanda Rollins starts having horrible night mares. What causes them? Why won’t they go away? Amanda is struggling to keep them under control but will she let Olivia in to help her? Amanda and Olivia have been daring for a year and have gotten extremely close and so have their kids. Could this be the end of their relationship?
1. Chapter 1

"No. No. Please." Olivia hears quietly in her dark room. She quickly wakes and sits up. She reaches over to the other side of the bed and feels nothing but the cold bed.

"Amanda?" She calls out and gets no response. She hears crying coming from her closet. Olivia's throws the blankets off of herself and quickly moves to the light switch. After turning the light on, Olivia slowly makes her way to the closet.

"Please don't hurt me. Please." Amanda cries out. Amanda's desperate cries almost make her cry with her. Olivia opens the closet and sees Amanda sitting in the closet with her knees pulled to her chest. Amanda looks up at Olivia for a second but there seems to be no recognition. Amanda just rocks back and forth while crying.

"Honey, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Amanda's cries just get louder as she puts her head down on her knees. "Are you feeling okay? Why are you crying?" Olivia reaches out for Amanda's arm and she pulls away, like she's been burned. Amanda screams and moves further back into the closet.

"Mommy? What's wrong?" Noah asks walking into the doorway with Jesse holding his hand. Olivia didn't really know what to say. What was wrong?

"Just go back to bed, babies. Mama is just tired and doesn't feel well. I'm going to take care of her. Just please go back to bed." Noah nods and leads Jesse back to their room. Olivia hears their bedroom door close and starts trying to work with Amanda again. She reaches for Amanda and pulls her into a hug.

"No! No! Let me go! You're hurting me!" Amanda yells.

"I-I'm Sorry. Baby." Olivia's eyes burn with tears after being rejected. Olivia feels a wetness on her leg that is closest to Amanda. Amanda was shaking and It concerned Olivia, to say the least. "Baby. What is happening? Amanda please try and talk to me." Amanda looks up at her but not directly in her eyes. Olivia picks up her phone and starts taking a video, so she can show Amanda, a doctor, or someone who can help.

"I'm sorry. It was an accident. Please don't. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Amanda cries while rocking back and forth. She stops recording and puts her phone back down.

"That's okay. It's was an accident. I'm not angry. I can clean it. Amanda I need you to stand up and walk with me." Olivia stands and holds her hand out to Amanda. "Come on." Amanda slowly reaches out and grabs Amanda's hands. Olivia walks to the the bathroom and walks Amanda with her.

"Step into the shower." Amanda doesn't seem to hear her and she gently lifts Amanda into the tub. Amanda is basically hyperventilating. "Honey. Please try and relax. I going to wash these clothes and get you in the shower. Amanda just stands while shaking. Olivia sighs. Olivia pulls Amanda's oversized sleeping t-shirt over her head . She throws it on the floor by the toilet. She then reaches for Amanda's shorts. Amanda flinches and moves against the wall of the shower.

"No! Please don't! I'm sorry." Olivia is mortified when she hears this. Amanda doesn't trust her anymore? What happened? Just two hours ago they had enjoyed some wine and popcorn on the couch. They lay there cuddling until Amanda fell asleep in her arms. She carried Amanda to their room and they both were asleep.

"Baby. You have to get out of the clothes. They are dirty. Trust me baby. Please just trust me." Amanda keeps using soothing words with Amanda while she finishes undressing her. She turns on warm water and washes Amanda's lower half. Olivia sighed, still not sure whether she wanted to bring Amanda to the Hospital or not. After washing Amanda, she started warm bath water and had Amanda sit down.

"I'm going to go put your clothes in the wash. I'll be back soon." Olivia started to stand and Amanda cries out and reaches for her. "Okay. I'll stay." Amanda doesn't stop reaching for Olivia. She nearly pulls Olivia, who is in a kneeling position, into the rub with her. "Honey, I cant get in with my clothes on." Amanda just looks confused. "Let me get undressed and I'll get in with you." Amanda looseness her grip a little. "Look, I'm staying. It's okay. I'm going to her in with you." Amanda finally lets her go and she is able to take her clothes off. Olivia gets in the tub behind Amanda and holds her close. Olivia lays back and, a few minutes later, Amanda is laying on her chest fast asleep. Olivia allows herself to relax and is fast asleep along with Amanda.

What's wrong with Amanda? What are your predictions for this story? Also, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. I also don't have a beta at the moment, so please just comment, if something doesn't make sense and I can explain. But I reread and everything looks pretty good but it's also 6:37 Am.

~BubblesMariska

Please RR.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello. I changed this story around a little bit so it would make more sense. Will update a new chapter soon. I'm also working on a new story called she keeps me warm. Please check it out. **

Olivia wakes up shivering. The water's heat was long gone and she was freezing. Opening her eyes, she sees Amanda shivering on top of her.

"Oh no. Amanda. I'm sorry baby." She says sitting up with Amanda. She reaches forward and drains the tub. Olivia stela our and helps Amanda our. "I'll be right back." Olivia goes to the closet and gets a tool to wrap herself and grabs in for Amanda. Once they are both dry, Olivia moves them to the bedroom. Amanda doesn't bother getting dressed and lays down pulling the covers over herself. Olivia sighs and changes into a fresh pair of pajamas. She goes to the kitchen to grab the mop and other cleaning products.

After 20 minutes, everything is cleaned up and Amanda's clothes are in the washing machine. Olivia goes to sleep next to Amanda.

XxXxX

"Mommy! Mama! Wake up." Noah yells and jumps on the bed.

"Yeah, wake up." Jesse says laughing. Olivia groans and lays on her back. Jesse lays on top of Olivia. "I want breakfast, mama." Olivia smiles and nods not even opening her eyes. Amanda's sits up with the sheet around her and, suddenly, all of Olivias memories of last night come flooding in her brain.

"Amanda? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?"

"What do you mean?! What happened last night?"

"What happened?" Amanda asks stretching while holding the sheet around her. Olivia just stares at her.

"Jesse and Noah. Go to your room. I need to talk to Mama." They both go back to their room. Olivia gets a shirt for Amanda and passes it to her. Amanda slips it on.

"What is the issue?" Amanda asks. Olivia grabs her phone and pulls up the video she took. She hands it to Amanda. Amanda looks up at Olivia with furrowed brows before playing the video.

"I'm sorry. It was an accident. Please don't. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Amanda cries while rocking back and forth.

"I-I did this? I don't even remember this happening." Amanda cries throwing Olivia phone away from her. "How is this even possible?!"

"Amanda. Relax. Have you ever had really bad nightmares before?" Amanda nods slowly.

"My mom said I used to get them when I was little. Then I got them again in my early 30's, after Patton, but it wasn't like that. They were just nightmares. This is...horrible. What am I supposed I do?"

"We will figure it out. Why did you have nightmares? Do you know what caused them?" Amanda tears up and nods. "Do you feel comfortable telling me about it?" Amanda nods.

"It started when-" Amanda is interrupted by her phone alarm going off. "Shit. We have to get ready to

Go."

"We are not going anywhere until we know that you are okay. I will call us in and tell Lucy to take the kids to her apartment for the day." Amanda nods and Olive makes the calls. Olivia sits on the bed against the headboard and holds her arms out for Amanda. Amanda graciously accepts and lays with her.

"It started when I was little. My...dad had this friend. He was really nice and he would watch me and Kim when my parents were gone. It was the summer of '88 and my parents worked all day. He would come over in the morning and make us breakfast. I was 7 and Kim was 6. He always made me sit on his lap but I never really though anything of it. I sat on my dads lap and there was nothing ever sexual about it. My dad never hurt me...the way his friend did. His name was Marcus. He would start by watching me change and go to the bathroom. Then one day...he told me he was going to change too. I saw him touch himself and I just watched him. I didn't really know what he was doing. When he went home, I didn't tell my mom or dad. God, I was stupid." Amanda says sobbing and shaking.

"You were a child! That was not your fault. You didn't know." Olivia gently rubs her fingers through her hair repeatedly.

"Then he got into a habit of...touching himself. He would do it multiple times a day. Thankfully he never hurt Kim. I wouldn't let him." She says

"You were a great big sister back then. Good watching out." Olivia sadly smiles.

"Then one day...my mother and father went out to gamble...and they called him to watch us. They called late at night and said they were just going to come back in the morning. He came into our room and touched me. Then he went further. He raped and molested me. When he was done he just left. He didn't wait for them to get back. He just left us all alone. We could have died or gotten ourselves killed. God...Kim. She was so scared for and she was crying. She kept a asking why there was so much blood, but I just ignored her and read her a book. I didn't want her to be scared...but I was in so much pain and so terrified." Olivia slowly rubs soothing circles into Amanda's back.

"You were protecting her. You were very strong. What did your parents do? Did they report it?"

"No...when they came back they saw all the blood. I told them what happened and they never invited him back. But after that my dad wouldn't even look at me. I had accidents all the time afterwards and he would get me up in the middle of the night. He would throw me outside and make me stay outside all night. He said, 'dogs can't piss in the toilet and they sleep outside.' Or if it was too cold or too hot, he would put me in my closet all night."

"Last night, you had an accident. It's not a big deal but I thought you should know. I took care of it and please don't feel embarrassed. You were just scared, it's a natural response to fear in some people. ."

"Yeah, for a two year old. I'm so sorry that you had to...deal with that. It just reminds me of what he did to me." Amanda gets up quickly and puts her hand over her mouth. She makes her way to the bathroom and vomits in the toilet. Olivia sighs and follows slowly behind.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sick baby. We don't have to talk about it until you want to." Lucy knocks on the bedroom door and goes in to the bathroom.

"Hey, I'm going to the kids to the park then to eat at my place. I will see you soon. Feel better." She says before leaving the apartment with the kids.

"I need to be alone for a while." Amanda says.

"Baby..." Olivia says sadly.

"Seriously. Go."

"Amanda. I'm here to help you. There is no need-" Olivia tried to argue.

"Get out of the apartment! I mean it! Just leave me alone for a few hours!" Amanda yells harshly. Olivia feels her heart throb painfully. She nods and grabs her purse, quickly heading out of the apartment. Amanda flushes the toilet and stands. She rinses put her mouth and brushes her teeth. Amanda opens the cabinet and grabs out the three pregnancy tests that she bought. She opens them all at the same time. She takes them and waits the allotted time.

XxXxX

Olivia sits out front and just cries. She has no clue how to help Amanda and that's all she wants to do. Help. Amanda just wants some space for a few hours. What if these houses turn into days, into, or into years? What is she just doesn't want...us...anymore. Olivia thought to herself. Olivia walks to the subway and takes it to Amanda's favorite place to shop. Dior. They hardly ever shopped there but Olivia just her tax returns back. They had all there bills paid. The fridge was full and she really wanted to make Amanda happy.

Olivia picked out a form fitting long sleeve pink hair along with a perfume. The total cost 956. She couldn't believe she was actually spending this much money on something other then her kids but she loves Amanda.

After making the purchase, Olivia started to make the journey back to the apartment.

XxXxX

Amanda cries for a long time after getting the results of the test. Positive. All three of them. Now, she is debating her choices. She could have the baby and loose her relationship with Olivia. Have the baby and give it up for adoption. Have an abortion and still tell Olivia. Have an abortion and not tell Olivia. There are so many choices but none of them are good enough. So many things could go wrong.

The front door opens and she gasps.

"Amanda...I know you said you didn't want me to be here but..."Amanda quickly grabs the boxes and throws them away as Olivia gets closer to the room. She grabs the tests and drops one. As soon as she gets down to grab Olivia is standing in the doorway right right in front of it. "I got you something..." Olivia whispers seeing the test on the floor. Before Amanda can grab it, Olivia snatches it off the floor.

"Olivia..." Amanda whispers while slowly standing up.

"You had sex with someone else."

"It wasn't like that."

"Then what the fuck was it like?! I love you and show you nothing but care and you cheat on me!"

"No baby. It wasn't like that. He hurt me really bad and I'm so sorry." Amanda explains.

"What?"

"There was this guy and I admit that I was flirting with him. I was just happy to get some sort of sexual attention-"

"So, because we hadn't had sex in a while...you decided to go to someone else." Olivia Asia putting the stuff she bought down into the bed.

"I don't know what came over me I was being overly flirtatious and I...kissed him and things got really heated. We went into a bathroom and I let him touch me in places that I shouldn't have but I felt horrible and I pushed him away. I changed my mind put he wanted to keep going. I think...that's what set off my night mares. I hadn't had them in a while."

"I'm so sorry about what your father's friend did to you. And just because you flirted with that guy didn't give him the right to force you. Do you understand that you were cheating on me! I would never do anything like that."

"I know. I'm not using this situation to gain any sympathy. I have been going to therapy since you recommended it a few years ago. I talked through it with my therapist and it really helped me cope but I just had relapse I guess. I just...I don't know. After what...happened recently...the memories have just come back."

"When it happened, did you...get a rape kit? Go to the hospital?"

"No. I didn't. I just came home and took a shower and went to bed. It was 3 months ago, Liv, it's not worth talking about anymore. It's over and done with."

"Obviously it's not over, Amanda. It's clearly effecting you more than you think. " Olivia sits down on the bed and put her face in her hand.

"Yeah, well...I did go the day after to get tested on my lunch break. They took blood and I got the results back. I didn't have any STI's or anything."

"Screw the diseases, Amanda. You're pregnant. What are you going to do?" Olivia sighs and looks over at Amanda.

"I don't know. I wanted to talk with you about it." Olivia just scoffs.

"Yeah, while you are hiding the pregnancy tests. If I hadn't found them, you might have never told me. I understand that what you went through was traumatic and scary but why wouldn't you tell me? How can I trust you?"

"I know. Im sorry. I will try to fix this and do everything possible to gain your trust back...and about the baby...What should we do? I know it's not the circumstances you wanted. I will get an abortion if you want me to. I don't want to force this on you. Well, at this point, you might not even want to be with me."

"I do...but I think we need to to set boundaries and build trust again." Olivia says honestly. Amanda nods completely understanding where Olivia is coming from. Amanda fucked up. There was nothing else to say about. She knows the rape isn't her fault but it's still hard to not feel guilty about it. "I also don't want you to have an abortion but it is completely your decision."

"Can we afford more kids? We'll need a bigger place. Noah and Jesse already share a room."

"We will figure it out." Amanda falls into Olivia's arms and they just hold each other and cry.

**Idek where this is going tbh. Help. Please give me idea in the comments.**


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia hadn't been able to sleep comfortably ever since Amanda told her about the rape. Olivia questioned herself for not realizing sooner. She had noticed small changes in Amanda's behavior but she ignored them If only she had done something sooner. Tonight, Olivia had fallen asleep while holding Amanda. It was the only way Amanda felt safe. It was hard for both of them to get to sleep. Any amount of sleep for Amanda was a win because her nightmares were getting the best of her. Olivia pulls herself away from the blonde gently and slowly moves away. Amanda had been laying on her arm, making it impossible for her to actually get any sleep.

As soon as she moves away, Amanda whimpers lightly. "Please. Don't hurt me."

"Amanda please calm down. Please, honey. I'm not going to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you."

"Don't touch me. Please. Don't hurt me." Amanda was trapped again in a mix between reality and a dream. She tried to get Olivia away from her. Olivia sighed and walked into their bathroom to retreat a wet cloth to try and help the woman wake up. Unbeknownst to Olivia, Jesse had entered the room. She rubs her eyes and sees her mother crying.

"Mommy?" Jesse asks, climbing onto the bed with her mom.

"Please. Don't hurt me!" Amanda begs closing her eyes.

"I won't hurt you. I promise." Jesse reaches out for her mom. Amanda is quick to react. She kicks out and ends up knocking Jesse to the floor. Jesse screams and Olivia rushes back from the bathroom.

"Jesse! Oh my god! Are you okay?" Olivia lifts the small girl in her arms and looks her over for injuries. Jesse is covering her eye with her hand. Olivia can see blood seeping through.

"She hurt me." Jesse cries. Olivia moves her hand away to see Jesse's eyes. It's red and bleeding.

"She didn't mean to. She was having a really bad dream and it made her scared. I promise she didn't mean to hurt you."

"I hate her!" Jesse screams out. Olivia doesn't know what to do. Amanda is still thrashing around on the bed and Jesse is having a full meltdown. She sets Jesse on the counter in the bathroom. She gives Jesse a small damp towel to hold on her eye.

"I'll be right back, baby. Don't move." Olivia goes back into the bedroom to try and calm Amanda down.

"Olivia. Please don't leave me here. I don't want to stay with him."

"Hey. I'm here. I won't leave you" Olivia says to Amanda trying to soothe her. A loud knock on the bedroom door frightens Olivia. Noah sleepily walks into the room.

"Are you okay, Mom?"

"Yes. Mama is just having a really bad dream. Can you please check on Jesse's eye. I think she's scared right now." Noah nods and goes to the bathroom. Olivia can hear him whispering calming words to Jesse and she smiles to herself. Noah was becoming so mature and helpful; around the house. She honestly didn't know what she would do without him.

"Mom. Jesse wants you."

"Okay, honey. Give me a few minutes." Olivia says. Amanda has relaxed in her arms quite a bit but the younger woman is still mumbling to herself as she sleeps. Olivia lays her gently on the bed, deciding that she is no longer a danger to herself or anyone else. Olivia goes to the bathroom and lifts Jesse.

"Let me see your eye, Jess." Olivia says and Jesse moves the small towel out of her face. "Oh, honey. Does it still hurt a lot?" Jesse nods, leaning onto Olivia's shoulder. Olivia can feel the shaking from the small girl. Olivia walks out to the kitchen and sets Jesse on the counter. There is sunlight coming brightly through the window and she groans. They would have to go to work soon.

"Mama, Why did mommy hit me?" Jesse asks. "Is she mad at me?"

"No. I swear she's not angry at you. She was having a very scary dream and she thought you were someone bad."

"I'm not bad, mama."

"I know, honey. It was an accident." As Olivia looked at Jesse's eye, she realized that her eye was fine. There didn't seem to be any bruises on her eyelid. There was just a small cut, what she presumed was from Amanda's nails, was on Jesse's eyebrow. She places a gentle kiss on Jesse's face. The bruise would only get worse over time and she was worried about having to explain the bruising to the people around her. What would she say? Would they try to call CPS on her, like when Noah was hurt?

"Mom. Can I have a poptart? I'm hungry." Noah asks, holding up a package.

"Okay. Can you make one for Jesse, too?" Noah nods and puts two poptarts into the toaster. Olivia puts Jesse down and Jesse runs to Noah's side to try and help him. Olivia looked at them sadly. She desperately hoped she wasn't screwing them up.

"Liv." Amanda whispers to Olivia. Olivia looks the woman over. She had put her hair into a ponytail and changed her outfit completely. Amanda was still looking spooked from the dream that she had. "Jesse! What happened to your eye?" Amanda asks, rushing over to her child. She tries to pick Jesse up but Jesse doesn't let her.

"I tried to give you a hug but you didn't let me. Mama says you were scared of a bad man hurting you. I'm not bad, mommy, I promise." Amanda pulls Jesse into a tight hug. Jesse hugs her mom back. She's young but she can still tell when something is wrong with her mom.

"I know, baby. I won't hurt you again. I'm so sorry. Do you forgive me?"

"Yes." Amanda smiles and lets go of Jesse. Amanda rushes off to her and Olivia's bedroom and closes the door. Olivia puts the poptarts on the plates for the kids and puts it on the counter for them to eat. Jesse and Noah eat happily. Lucy uses her key and opens the door to the apartment.

"Lucy!" The kids yell happily.

"Hey guys. How are you?"

"Good." They both say in sync.

"Go get dressed. We don't wanna be late." The kids scurry off to their room and get ready for school.

"Is everything, okay?" Lucy asks. Olivia hasn't even realized that she had been staring distantly.

"Actually. No. I'm going to tell you something but I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Especially not Amanda." Olivia whispers.

"Okay. It stays between us." Lucy says.

"I think someone is hurting, Amanda. Well...I know someone is. She told me. She said it was a one time thing but I'm not convinced. I mean, she's been acting strange for a while now. I just...I didn't really know why then but it makes sense now. She had bruises on her body and when I asked about them, she told me that it was from work or some other excuse. I was dumb enough to believe her and I didn't look into it more. I'm just worried that someone is still hurting her."

"Oh. Wow. I'm sorry that's happening. Is there anything I can do?"

"Not really. I think I just need to talk to her. I'm thinking of calling off today. Have you...Have you noticed anything unusual?"

"I don't think so. I mean, she has been acting a little different lately."

"One day last week, when Jesse had an accident at school, I came here to get a change of clothes for her. Amanda was in the bathroom crying. I tried talking to her but she just told me to go away but that's all."

"Okay. Thanks, Lucy. I really appreciate it." Olivia says genuinely and as if on cue, Jesse and Noah come out of their rooms dressed. Lucy gets everything they need and then they leave for school.

* * *

Ever since Lucy left, Olivia had been racking her brain for anything that would help her find Amanda's assailant. It didn't make sense. Amanda said that she had gone out but Amanda hadn't gone out by herself in months. Why was Amanda lying to her? Why wouldn't she let Olivia help her? Amanda walks out of the room dressed in black slacks and a tucked, blue button down shirt.

"Why aren't you ready? We're gonna be late." Amanda says to Olivia who is sitting on the couch. Olivia knows that this isn't going to go well. If there was anything that Amanda hated, it was calling off of work.

"We need to talk. I already called in for both of us. We're taking a personal day." Olivia says honestly.

"Why?" Amanda asks nervously. She sits on the couch with Olivia.

"We have to talk about what happened to you. I can't just pretend like it never happened. I refuse."

"I told you what happened already. It doesn't make any sense to keep talking about it. Nothing has changed."

"I was just going over your story in my head. It doesn't make sense. I know you must be scared but I am here for you. Just tell me what really happened to you?"

"I'm not lying. I met a guy in a bar and I flirted with him. Things got out of control. I told you!" Amanda yells angrily.

"I know it's not true. It doesn't make any sense. You said it happened three months ago. You haven't been out later than me in three months. We always come home at the same time. We have been since Jesse was born. The only times we are not together is work, when you go to meetings, and when you go to therapy. Is someone from there hurting you?" Olivia says. She couldn't believe that Amanda was lying to her.

"NO! Why won't you listen to me?! I don't want to talk about this anymore." Amanda says practically in tears.. Her heart was racing and she didn't know how to stop it. Olivia was poking holes in her story that she had tried to perfect.

"I do. And if things happened the way you say they did, you are about three months pregnant, right?" Olivia asks.

"Yeah." Amanda mumbles.

"Maybe you're forgetting that I was with you during Jesse's pregnancy. When you were 2 months, it was noticeable Amanda. You are not showing, now." Olivia says.

"That doesn't mean anything. Pregnancies can be different every time. You haven't been pregnant, so you wouldn't know." Amanda says angrily, hoping that making Olivia mad will make her stop trying to talk to her. Olivia just shakes her head and chooses to not be angry at Amanda because she knows that the younger woman is just hurting.

"You're right. I don't know. Let's go to someone who does know. I called your OB and asked if she could see you today. She can take you at noon." Olivia gets up and attempts to walk to the bedroom.

"You have no right to do that. Stop trying to control me!" Amanda yells and steps in front of Olivia. Olivia can see the fear and hurt in Amanda's eyes.

"I'm not. You said you weren't lying. Why won't you go?" Olivia asks gently. She didn't want Amanda to feel like she couldn't control herself but she needed to figure out the truth. It would help both of them.

"Because you don't own me. I will go by myself and bring you the paperwork. I don't want you there." Amanda says.

"Fine but I want to see all of the paperwork. I do not own you Amanda, I just want you to be happy." Olivia says trying to reason with her.

"Fine, but I'm going in to work today. I do not want to stay in this apartment with you." Amanda says and leaves the apartment. Olivia sighed. She hated to see Amanda like this. She didn't want Amanda to be upset but she needed to know what happened. It was the only way to help.

**Thanks so much for reading. Please leave a comment about what you liked and what you want to see next. I will try to incorporate some ideas. Thanks**

**~BubblesMariska**


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